


I tried so hard

by Rizz07



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: A/B/O, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, M/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24758314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rizz07/pseuds/Rizz07
Summary: The moment he woke up, he knew something was terribly wrong. Pain shot through his abdomen, making him curl up in a fetus position.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 4
Kudos: 83





	I tried so hard

**Author's Note:**

> This involves a miscarriage, is this a trigger or a sensitive subject for you then please don't read it!

The moment he woke up, he knew something was terribly wrong. Pain shot through his abdomen, making him curl up in a fetus position. That’s when he felt the wetness between his legs. Even without looking he knew it was blood. Squeezing his eyes shut. He tried to block it out. Not wanting to believe this was happening. Not now. Not when he was finally blessed with a child. After all his effort, all the negative tests, he was finally pregnant. And now he was already losing his baby again. It was ripped away from him. It wasn’t fair. Why wasn’t he granted a child. What had he ever done to deserve this faith? Sobbing, he hugged his knees tightly against his chest.

When he had woke up nauseous four morning in a row, he hadn’t dared to hope. Almost apprehensive he had bought a test. Not even allowing himself to be happy when it actually came back positive. Having been certain that it would come back negative. That’s how it always ended. It was the reason why he hadn’t even told Daniel yet. Still trying to process that it was finally happening himself. That he was finally, after all his effort, he was with child. And now it was abruptly taken away from him. The one thing he wanted above anything else. It ripped his heart in pieces. It was bleeding, just like he was.

**

After some time, he had no idea how long, he forced himself to get up. Whipping his legs with the sheets, before pulling them rather harshly off the bed. Throwing them and what he was wearing in the trash. Never wanting to see it again. Not wanting the reminded, it was too painful.

Dragging himself to the shower. Turning the temperature up. Letting the almost burning hot water wash over him, as the bathroom filled with steam. Simply standing there, feeling empty and numb. Unable to wrap his head around what had just happened. It felt surreal, foreign. That his long life wish was once again destroyed.

Anger welt up inside of him, sudden and fierce. Grabbing his sponge, he drenched it in shower gel and started to wash, no scrub his skin clean. Feeling dirty. Sick.

What kind of omega couldn’t bear a child for his alpha. He was an disgrace. Pathetic and disappointing. And Daniel thought so as well. Why else would the alpha suggest taking a break from trying to conceive? He must have stopped believe Max could.

His eyes burned. Tears streaming down his face. The memory still painfully fresh on his mind. It had torn him apart knowing that even his own alpha had lost faith in him. That he had started to believe it was a lost cause. He had wanted to fight him. Argue that he could do it. But instead he had bit his tongue, hard enough to draw blood. Only agreeing to stop trying, to not upset and disgrace the alpha even more. He was already such a letdown.

But unbeknownst to the alpha, he hadn’t actually stopped. He couldn’t. Only leaving Daniel in the delusion. What other choice did he have, when knowing that bearing a child would please his alpha, and that’s was what he was striving for.

And now he had failed him yet again.

Distraught he let himself fall back against the shower wall, not caring about the pain shooting through his shoulder blades, as he slowly slid down to the ground. Miserably pulling his knees up again. Why did he have to keep failing?

**

His skin was wrinkled and red when he heard Daniel come back. Deep down he knew he should get up. But he simply didn’t have the strength. Not even when he heard Daniel call out for him. He couldn’t even bring himself to respond.

He didn’t even flinch at the knock on the bathroom door. “Max?” Hearing it open. “Hey- Jesus Max” the man gasped. Hurried footsteps came closer. The shower door being pulled open, making him shiver at the cold air. “What happened?” The stream of water being shut down. Arms embraced him, but it didn’t give him the warmth it normally did. Instead he felt cold and empty inside. His teeth chattered, shivering at the loss of warm water.

“Max.” A hand cupped his cheek. Lifting his head up and directing it to make him look at the alpha. But he squeezed his eyes shut, unable to meet Daniel eyes. How could he possibly face the man after this. Tell him that he had failed him, again. That he failed miserably at being an omega. “What happened babe?"

It was too much. Chocking up, he felt fresh tears roll down over his cheeks. His father had been right all along. He really was worthless. A pathetic excuse of an omega. One that no one wanted. When he had tried so hard to not listen, to prove him wrong, only for it to slap him in the face. Not even wanting to think about what his father would say if he learned his weak omega son was unable to conceive. He would probably laugh in his face. Mock him, telling him that he had always known. That Max should have listened to him. When all he wanted was to form a family with his mate.

“Max.” The use of the alpha voice forced him to focus back on his mate, to meet the man’s eyes. “Tell me what happened.”

He wanted to lie. It tore at him to have to say it out loud. It only made it more real. “Lost” he hiccuped. “The baby.” Sobbing uncontrollably.

In an instant, Daniel pulled his arms back, away from him, like he had been burned. Standing back up. And when Max dared to glance up at the alpha, he saw his mate stare at him. Pale, with wide eyes and barely suppressed anger. “Tell me you didn’t” he hissed furious. Ashamed Max bit his lip, diverting his eyes. He hadn’t wanted for Daniel to find out, that he went behind his back, like this. “For fuck’s sake max” the man spit out. “You promised me we’d stop. That you would stop.” Which he had. “You lied to me. You fucking lied to me.” Flinching, Max curled up even more. Daniel was absolutely furious with him. Feeling the anger and frustration radiate off of his alpha. Biting his lip even harder, more tears fell from his eyes. Perfect, just fucking perfect. All he had wanted to do was please his alpha and instead he had only made Daniel resent him even more. He was just one giant disappointment to everyone. It was a daunting realization, making him swallow hard. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t be here’ he thought depressed, almost numbly. ‘Everyone would be better off that way.’ It wouldn’t be so hard to step out of this life, right. A knife, a bottle of pills and he would stop being a burned to everyone.

A shove made him tumble over against the shower wall. It wasn’t hard, just unexpected enough to make him lose his balance. “Are you even listening to me” Daniel hissed.

In all fairness, he had heard the man rant at him, but not a single word had registered in his brain. Too caught up in his own head.

Tiredly he raised his eyes, shaking his head. Seeing no point in lying or pretending anymore. Only feeling a small amount of relief when Daniel’s eyes seemed to softened. Taking notice of how the alpha took a moment to calm himself, before kneeling down in front of him. Carefully wrapping a towel around his still naked form. “I’m sorry. I’m being insensitive. But why would you even go behind my back like that?”

Chewing on his lower lip, Max tried to swallow the lump down his throat. “I wanted to please you. To give you a child” he forced himself to say.

“Even after we decided to stop?”

Shameful, he nodded. “Knew you still wanted it, so I wanted to prove you wrong. Prove to you I could do it.” A shaking breath leaving his mate’s lips. “And I just wanted to please you.”

“Oh Max.” Taking Max his hands in his. “Do you know what would please me the most?”

Sadly Max nodded his head. Painfully aware of what it was. “A child.”

“No you idiot. That’s where you are completely wrong.” Lifting his chin, the Aussie eyed him almost tenderly. “What I want most, is for my mate to be happy.” Out of instinct Max opened his mouth, but Daniel beat him to it. “And yes I’m fully aware a child would do that, but not like this Max.”

Taken aback he could only stare at the man. What did he mean? Why would he say that?

“You’re so goddamn focused on conceiving, putting so much pressure on it and yourself, that it’s backfiring. You know as much as I do that the chances of you getting pregnant when pressured and stressed out are very slim. That’s why I suggested, and made you promise, we’d take a break. I couldn’t stand to see you suffer more and more, with each negative test. To see you become bitterly determined to make the next time work, time and time again. To have that be your soul purpose” Daniel told him. Opening up about his reasoning behind the decision. Which in all fairness he had done so before, only not as extensive, and Max hadn’t wanted to hear it anyway. Stubbornly continuing in his quest. “I hate to see you suffer and become a shadow of yourself Max. A shadow of the mate I love. And I wish you could see it from my point of view and just take a break for a little while. To be happy again.” Unlike last time his mate’s words hit home this time around. The previous time it had felt like Daniel was making excuses for him, giving him an out, to let him off easy without actually meaning it. Now however he allowed himself to see his mate’s worried and pained eyes, to sense his concern. “Above all, I miss the mate I fell in love with.”

New tears welled up in his eyes, truly touched by his mate's words, but Max swallowed them down. Focused on maintaining eye contact. Needing to see the truth in Daniel’s eyes. “So- So you are really okay with not having a child?”

His mate face softened. A tender look in his eyes. “We will have a child” the man promised. “I’m convinced we will. Just not right now.” Taking a bit of a breath. “Maybe it’s simply isn’t our time yet. I mean for god’s sake max, you’re only twenty two, we’ve still got plenty of time to become parents.” The honestly in his voice and eyes, making Max believe he was speaking the truth. And maybe Daniel was right by saying that it wasn’t indeed their time yet. “So I’m begging you, please stop this. Stop torturing yourself.”

Overwhelmed with emotions, Max nodded. Finally allowing himself to see the tremendous amount of pressure he had put on himself to bear a child. For himself. For his mate, to please him. For his father, to prove that being him wrong. That being an omega didn’t automatically make him a failure. For the goddamn media and critics, to show them he could do it all. Be an omega, a driver and a parent. When it had started out as them simply trying for a child. But with every negative test, doubt started to creep in. Unconsciously making him put more pressure on himself, to stop himself from feeling like a failure. Fueled by those standard self conscious questions that had him end up in this situation in the first place. The 'what if’s' and the ‘what would the others think’. They had created a monster. He was able to see that and admit to it now.

“I love you, you know that right” Daniel told him, pressing a soft and tender kiss to his lips. It made him smile, to get that reminder from his mate. Having lost the importance of it somewhere along the line. Too focused on a child. Never once considering how it affected his mate. Far too focused on how he thought he could please him, or rather to not disappoint him. Because disappointing him, meant disappointing himself.

“Of course.”

The alpha smiled, but then seemed to hesitate, like he was unsure if he should or not. “How far along were you?”

Painfully reminding him of why he was in his current position in the first place. “A little over a month, I think.”

Giving a nod, Daniel let that bit of information sink in, before he seemed to push it to the back of his mind. Max couldn’t blame him. For the alpha it must seem more surreal. He hadn’t been there or even be in the known. Hadn’t been attached. “Okay, come on. Let’s get you dressed in something comfy. We’re gonna have a tv day. Full of ice-cream and cuddles.”

Now that sounded exactly what he needed. Comfort food and the reassuring presence of his alpha. Allowing Daniel to pull him upright. It was a far better option than staying here, on the now cold bathroom floor. Even laughing a little as the alpha started to dry him off with a fluffy towel. Actually feeling lighter than he had felt in months. Happier.

The sense of emptiness was still there, and he would morn the child he lost, but probably not as deeply as before Daniel had found out. His logical mind telling him that the fetus, no embryo, had barely been more than a month old and he had only learned of its existence yesterday. And along with him not daring to actually believe it was true, it didn't nearly give him enough time to actually form a bond with it. Making it easier to move on, but not forget. It was simply wiser to focus on spending time with his alpha, who loved him, than to dwell over an embryo that most likely hadn't even developed a heart yet, let alone have a beating one.

Getting dressed he did allow himself to place a hand on his flat stomach for a moment. Still feeling a little sad, but also with fresh determination. ‘One day’ he promised himself, just not now. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm grateful to never have been in the position Max was in in this fic. So I can't at all relate to how it could possibly feel, I only just my imagination while writing this, which is likely nowhere near the truth.


End file.
